


The Many Fears Of A Libero

by xxELF21xx



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Depressing Thoughts, Depression, Flames are welcome, Headcanon: Noya's family is rich and be lives in a huge but empty house, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, I Don't Even Know, I'm Going to Hell, I'm so sorry Noya, Knives, M/M, Maybe - Freeform, Mentions of Suicide, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, Thinking, Two Shot, What Have I Done, What Was I Thinking?, Why Did I Write This?, fears, found out
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-18
Updated: 2015-12-29
Packaged: 2018-04-19 03:15:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,780
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4730795
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xxELF21xx/pseuds/xxELF21xx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>No one on the team knew this: not even Daichi or Suga. </p><p>Nishinoya Yuu has got a secret. A secret that will soon kill him on the inside and leave him as a zombie.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Many Fears Of A Libero

**Author's Note:**

> This came out of nowhere. Literally. I wanted to write something for the hell of it and this came spiralling out.
> 
> Note: All my works don't have a certain plot line. So it's pretty unpredictable where this is going. I myself have no clue.
> 
> Take note that this isn't in the timeline of the manga. 
> 
> I've used a personal headcanon of mine that places Noya as a son of a rich family, and lives in a house made of expensive wood, glass and marble. No cement. And it's huge. It has two gardens, a whole forest, everything. I know that is basically impossible in Miyagi; but just because Noya studies in Miyagi doesn't mean he has to live there. 
> 
> If the phrasing sounds super awkward in any of the paragraphs, take note that I don't have a beta, and I know it sounds weird. I know.

No one knew this. Not even Daichi or Suga or anyone else. 

Nishinoya Yuu feels his smile fade when he finishes waving good bye to his fellow teammates. He slowly walks to the path of his own home, contemplating the many choices of nothing. His parents aren't home, as usual. 

(Why can't they be there for him, though?)

Yuu sighs and shrugs his bag off to the floor, flopping down to rest on the furry carpet in his living room. He hates it. He hates this. . . Icky feeling of loneliness and boredom and unwanted-ness. He wants to get out and practice volleyball against the wall outside, in the backyard; or maybe finishing that video game Tanaka had introduced. The both of them never got to the end of the two-player story. 

(Was Tanaka home? Should Yuu call him so they could start the video game and finish it off?)

Yuu circles the ceiling lights above him. Plates overlapping each other to form a grand chandelier that dipped downwards. Yuu never really admired the weird looking chandelier—considering how weird his family is—but he enjoys the peace he gets whenever he concentrates on that particular chandelier and forgets about the world. He tilts his head and sees the tall cabinet that stored his parents' most fondest memories. Their first meeting, all their subsequent dates, engagement, wedding, honeymoon, and lastly; the many photos of Yuu growing up. His parents were the best Yuu could ask for. But. . . They weren't physically there for him anymore. Both of them had to run their own companies passed down from generation to generation, none of them having any more time to concentrate on their little boy anymore. 

(It's funny, 'cause Mom's got a brother that helps out in the company Yuu's maternal side owns. She shouldn't be so busy.)

Yuu tilts to the other side, where a grand piano stands tall and grand. He picks himself up and walks to the piano. He lifts the lid, and sits himself onto the seat. Fingers slowly touching the keys, he plays all the melodies he can remember and plays, and plays, and plays, until he could feel his fingers get numb. The helpers weren't around today—stupid day-offs, why couldn't they wait for another hour?—and Yuu's left to his own devices. Yuu stands up and slams the lid of the piano, huffing into the kitchen. He sees a plate of his favourite dishes and a glass of lemon tea, but ignores it. He walks deeper in, away from the dining hall, and enters the main kitchen. Clean and way too sparkly, he thinks. The marble and wood feel cold beneath his touch, and he hastens to finish his search of the one object that would keep him entertained.

(He was just about to get it when he thinks: would anyone notice it's missing?)

He grasps it firmly in his grip and looks around the kitchen for a jar. He picks it up and dashes out the cold and uninviting kitchen, past the dining hall, up the stairs, and into his room. He closes the door with his foot and throws the objects in his hand into the Perisan rug near his bed. Rummaging for clothes, he decided to have a quick bath before he proceeds with his activity.

(Tsukishima blinks owlishly at his senior. 'Tanaka, are you sure— ' Daichi is cut off when Tanaka hollers a "of course!" Hinata glances at the name plate of the huge house. "Nishinoya Residence", it read.)

Yuu drapes a towel above his damp head when he notices the quiet of the surroundings is ruined by a huge ruckus downstairs. He opens his door and walks to the stairs. 'Hello?' He shouts down, when no response is heard; Yuu concludes there's a group of people outside the gate. How could a group of people make so much noise? How many people were there? He goes back into the room, pulling up his blinds.

(He notices that his bedroom overlooks the forest his family owns, and stares at the many shades of green. 'Whoa.' He gasps when he sees a tree blossom.)

Yuu is shocked to see the entire Karasuno volleyball club at the entrance of the house. He clears his eyes, and reminds himself to tell his parents to trim the huge tree in the garden that's blocking his view of the entrance. But the black jackets that signified Karasuno was unmistakable. He could also see the blond hair that belonged to Tsukishima and the greenish-black hair of Yamaguchi's. And the orange mess that belonged to Hinata. 'But I thought that the team split up after Foothill store?' He wondered aloud. Yuu contemplates on letting them in, when he hears the house phone ring. His eyes widen, and he scrambles out the room clumsily, running for the telephone at the end of the corridor. 

(Out of breath, he rests for a while, praying it was his parents calling.)

'Hello?' He answers, holding his breath. The person on the other end of the line squeal, 'Yuu!' His mother replies enthusiastically. His mother launches into a long speech of "how are you? Are you taking care of yourself? Are you eating well? Has my little boy been well?" Etcetra, etcetra. But Yuu can't seem to stop grinning and answers just as enthusiatically to the questions. His father complains that his mother is hogging the bonding time and forgetting the important point. 'Fine,' Yuu hears his mother answer his father, 'I'll let you talk to Yuu. Call you tomorrow!' His mother promises. His father talks to him for a minute only, but the worry is clear in his voice. 'You need to take care of yourself for one more week.' Yuu answers with a snort. 'Oh, by the way, before we left, your friends called. They wanted to visit you today. It is today, right?' Yuu hums, 'they're outside.' Yuu's father tells him to have fun, and "we'll see you soon", and hangs up. 

(Yuu runs back to his room and chucks the items he brought up in the walk-in wardrobe that connects to the bathroom. 'Don't let them see,' he prays.)

He dashes down the stairs and out the door, barefooted when he opens the metal gate that guards the entire estate—the greenery does better, though—and is met with the shocked faces of his teammates. Yuu chokes back a laugh and greets them with a blank face. 'Yeah?' He asks Daichi, tilting his head. The team is still silent. Yuu shifts his footing against the grass and relishes the comfort the grass gives to his bare feet. 'Y'know, if you don't talk any sooner, I'm gonna have to kick you out. Even if my dad gave you permission. He isn't in the country, by the way.' Tanaka is the first to snap out the daze. 

(Yuu can't help but feel a little upset about the fact that the team's come over without him knowing.)

'Noya!' Tanaka exclaims, 'you didn't tell us that your family runs the Fiji Private Company and the Grand Empress!' Yuu bubbles with laughter and falls to the grass; scaring the dogs that come bounding in to see what has happened. 'Y-you didn't ask! And, your faces! The shock! Especially you, Daichi!' Yuu stops his laughing spree in favour of the dogs, scratching lightly at a Dalmation's ears. 'Oh, and my parents don't  _run_ the Empress and Fiji alone, my  _entire_ extended family does.' In the end, Yuu invites the entire crew in. 

(They are in awe of almost everything.)

Asahi calls Tanaka over when he spots the controllers and a video game disk in the living room. The team plays a few rounds before they get bored of it. Yachi is busy studying the patterns and whatnot of his home, Ennoshita busy with keeping Tanaka in check. Finally, Narita comes up with the idea of going to Yuu's bedroom. 'It's a little messy, I'm warning you.' Yuu tells them. He fidgets, will they notice?

('Hey!' Shouyou exclaims, 'your room is made of dark wood!' Tsukishima snorts, 'thanks, Captain Obvious.' Yuu hides a pained smile.)

The days is wasted away with the team playing rounds of Monopoly—inclusive of the screams of terror from the loser and calm negotiations for property—and studying for a class test they had the next week. Yuu can't shake the feeling of having nothing pressing against his skin. 'Just a few more hours,' he mummurs, expertly concealed in a cough. Asahi watches him quietly, face puzzled. Yuu was unusually silent that day, concentrating on his revision notes and various knick knacks sprawled across the floor of his room. Yuu's gaze would stray to the spot where the jar and item were kept, muttering a mantra of math formulas and the parts of a plant from leaves to root hairs, whilst his fingers move to draw out the plant and its parts, as well as write out the complex math formulas. 

(There would always be the few distractions that came along with the first years, but Yuu would continue chanting the same things until his brain would scream at him to move on to another topic. Yuu silently judges the effectiveness of this "study method".)

'Take four-third times pi times then cube of the radius, divide by half and proceed to subtract the answer from the volume of a rectangle-base pyramid; the answer would then be used to answer part b where it says the structure was recasted into a cubiod. Find the height of the cubiod using the answer from part a.' Yuu answers his revision question quietly, his pencil unmoving as he works out the claculations is his head. 'Yep, that'll work.' He scribbles the messy formulas and completes the question before Tanaka. Why the teacher would ask to retest a topic like this was beyond anyone's understanding; but teachers are alien people. Yuu lazily rubs his eyes and continue on to—wait a minute. Since when was this tested? Yuu flips through the tested topics and groans; head thumping the table to the tune of "Mary Had A Little Lamb". He forgot about the one topic he hated most. Angles. No matter how old you are, angles will forever be in the math syllabus. Suga sighs and tells Yuu to take a break; and Yuu makes a run for the kitchen.

(Yuu was sure he tripped a few times, but the feeling of relief he would get later wil be worth it.)

Entering the cold kitchen again, feet dancing across the unheated kitchen floors and stopping where the island counter stood. Yuu checks that no one was nearby (he'd heard Yamaguchi say something about being hungry), and carefully picked up a knife sheathed in wood. He picked the second smallest—having taken the smallest knife that was meant to be used for peeling fruits—knife and walked as calmly as he could to the bathroom that was located a little further away from the counter (just in front of the huge back garden) and bolted the glass door. The glass interior made Yuu giddy, with every surface reflecting his actions, and he looked to the glass surface that revealed the beautiful sunflowers that his mother had painstakenly grown. 

(He never really enjoyed the fact that his house was made of wood, marble and glass. What was wrong with cement? The house only brought relief in summer, and on other times; it was way too cold for Yuu.)

He holds the knife ('this knife is for slicing fruits,' his mother had told him) and carefully studies it. The edge is sharp and wicked, the pointed tip grinning at Yuu, tempting him. Yuu decides to "just do one. No more than that" and brings the metal close to his skin. The knife was way too cold, too. Yuu grimaces when the cold blade pierces his skin, drawing blood in its wake. The blood seemed particularly cold too. Yuu watches as the blood drips into the basin, staining the pristine white with drops of red. The blood flow captivated the libero's eyes. As more blood left, Yuu felt a little lighter. If he could do one more strike, just one more— 

(Yuu's stuck in a daze, watching the drops of blood gather into a mini lake.)

'Noya?' A knock on the door startled Yuu out of his daze. He shouts a reply ('wait for a while, Asahi-san!') and grabs a towel; wetting it before placing it upon the mark. He sighs quietly at the warmth the towel provides. Yuu washes blood off all surfaces, before hiding the knife behind the toilet. He grabs a plaster from his pocket and pastes it on, the mark now concealed. Yuu opens the door, meeting Asahi's worried gaze. 'Is there a problem?' Yuu asks cheerfully. Asahi scratches his neck, 'uhm, see, we didn't notice the time and all—and uh, we all need to go now. Sorry, Noya.' Yuu snorts and pulls Asahi to the living room, where everyone was waiting. 'If you need to go, then go! I need to finish up my revision, so I'll only send you out the gate.' Daichi agrees and Yuu spends the remaining time chattering away happily. At the gate, as the others were leaving, Asahi kisses him on the lips. Yuu counts to a minute. 'Good night, love you.' Asahi whispers and after Yuu returns the salution; Asahi runs to catch up with the others.

(Yuu repeats the words "I love you" until he feels the cold bite his skin, and he flees to his room.)

Yuu strikes down the number of times his fears almost came true today. _Strike._ His teacher almost failed him in his English.  _Strike._  He'd failed to receive Yamaguchi's serves.  _Strike._ Asashi almost saw right through him in the bathroom.  _Strike._ He almost spilled his secrets out to his parents.  _Strike._ He'd been called "grade schooler" again.  _Strike. Stirke. Strike. Strike. Strike. Strike._ Yuu watched as his vision dimmed, his blood flowing quickly into the empty jar. In the back of his mind, he'd still remembered the last topic he needed to study, and the knife in the bathroom. Grabbing an already prepared wet towel, Yuu pressed it against his marred skin; feeling the warmth of the towel seep into him and lull him closer to sleep. 

(Revision and knife. Yuu stood up clumsily and went to the bathroom downstairs to retrieve the knife and slot it back into the wood. The revision could be done later. Tomorrow was a weekend.)

He threw the towel—stained with blood—into his bathroom, rolling up a bandgae across his arm and taping it in place, before closing the door. He caps the jar—filled a quarter way up full of his fears—and keeps it in the cabinet where he stores his miscellaneous items. He carefully places the jar behind a photo of him and Asahi, and behind the quarter filled jar; stood more jars of fears. Yuu makes a mental note to get rid of them tomorrow. He crawls under his covers and his vision blackens, leaving him in a state of dreamless sleep.

No one on the team knew this: not even Daichi or Suga or anyone else.

Nishinoya Yuu has got a secret. A secret that will soon kill him on the inside and leave him as a zombie.


	2. And They Tore Down The Jars Of Fears

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nishinoya Yuu has had a secret. Not even Daichi or Suga knew about it. Not until the jars tipped over and Yuu has to overcome the numbness of being a zombie. 
> 
> No one on the team knew this: not even Asahi or Tanaka. And Nishinoya Yuu has to, once again, face the fears he's kept in those tipping jars.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After many hours of staring into textbooks and assessments; i have finally been revived enough to continue this. Thank you to the lovely people that left a comment and I apologise for leaving it hanging like that. It was meant to be a one-shot. But after reviewing it for the hundredth time, I have become dissatisfied with just one chapter. I need to close this up. Also, I wanted to wish you guys a Happy New Year with this chapter that //may not// cheer you up! 
> 
> YOU'VE WORKED HARD THIS YEAR! GIVE YOURSELF A PAT ON THE BACK AND LAUGH AWAY THE REGRETS. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
> 
> If you've somehow, miraculously, read a few of my works before; then you should be able to guess what I'm about to write. This is un'beta'd, if there are some mistakes; please do inform me. 
> 
> Enjoy. Flames are welcome

 

 

> _"My skin is my paper, my canvas._
> 
> _My knife is my pen, my brush._
> 
> _My blood are my words, my art._
> 
> _My scars are my books, my gallery._
> 
> _What do you have to say about it?_
> 
> _My life is a horror film, a tragedy._
> 
> _What can you do about it?_
> 
> _My thoughts are my fears, my nemesis,_
> 
> _Help me."_

 

Nishinoya Yuu has _had_ a secret. Not even Daichi or Suga knew about it. Not until the jars tipped over and Yuu has to overcome the numbness of being a zombie.

Nishinoya Yuu feels the chill of the air seep into his bones, even when he was working his life off at practice. Panting, Yuu calls for a break. He has became frail, over the course of three weeks.  _Three weeks ago, I almost got found out._ He jogs to pick his bottle up before gulping, his insides are freezing. The water isn't helping. Yuu's eyes stray toward Ennoshita, whose eyes are trained on Yuu's arm. Yuu instinctively hides his body away. He may not seem like it, but Ennoshita Chikara is a crow with eyes of an eagle. Yuu knows his arms are slightly bandaged around the wrists, and anther bandage on his knee. Two were from fears, another from the friction of the court. He places his bottle down when Coach Ukai whistles for a practice match. Yuu weaves through the destruction of face towels and bottles, standing next to Ukai. He wasn't allowed to play, not unless Ukai tells him to. "We need to have more defense. We can't keep relying on you" was the reason given to Yuu. Tanaka spikes, hollering, and Shouyou is blown back by the spike. "Shouyou!' Yuu barks a laugh, 'pay attention! Tanaka, nice!' Both look at the small boy, one grinning sheepishly and another smirking.

(In some sort of way, Yuu was the "mentor" of the team's defence.) 

It wasn't until Tsukishima got a slight scratch from diving down to save Yamaguchi-was he in wonderland?-that Ukai called for a stop. Shaking his head, the team gathered around to discuss a strategy, 'I know that you must've a lot on your mind from the upcoming exams, but at least pay attention during practice. I don't want any of you getting hurt.' Ukai admonishes, Yamaguchi nervously scratches his head. Shouyou and Narita share a troubled expression. Yuu wears one of his own. 'Yachi has an announcement to make, make sure you don't injure yourselves while listening to her,' Ukai ends dryly. Yachi smiled nervously, fidgeting. Yuu twitches, he's anxious. He hasn't done it in forever, and he's itching for comfort. Tuning out whatever Yachi says, Yuu daydreams; drawing a picture of whatever he's thinking of. 

(He's forgotten what he was thinking about when Yachi calls out to him.)

'Yeah, yeah. . . What?' His face twists into confusion as Kiyoko sighs loudly. Yachi laughs, 'I was, uhm, wondering if we could go to your house again? Today? Since we all have an independent project we have to do. If, that is, if you don't mind.' Yuu cocks his head to a side, mind running on empty shells, 'you're all welcome, I s'ppose.' Yachi and Shouyou beam, the latter whooping loudly with Tanaka. 'The architecture and design could be used in my project,' Yuu hears Yachi mutter. _Yeah, it could. What was the project supposed to be about again? I should pay attention, or else I'll be banned from participating in club. Again._  

 (Yuu remembers that this solo project cost 25% of their grade, which means he  _really_ should pay attention.)

Club lasts another half an hour and Yuu learns that the theme the second years were given was "Fear". As Yuu walks down the hill, he contemplates what to do for his project. A crazy idea popped into his mind, 'why not bring the jars and present them?' He is startled out of this thought when Tanaka asks, 'what "jars"?' Yuu feels a lie slip out before he could recover. Tanaka seemed pleased with the answer, leaving to talk with Kinoshita. Yuu glances around and spots Yamaguchi fervently apologising to a slightly frazzled Tsukishima and Kageyama glaring pits at said beanstalk, Shouyou complaining that Tsukishima should just accept the apology and "give Yamaguchi a break, sheesh!" Beside them, Asahi was sandwiched between Daichi and Suga; both of them were complaining about their project. ('How are we supposed to give a presentation on foreign relationships in two weeks?' Daichi whines, while Asahi does his best to comfort him. 'Maybe Takeda-sensei can help us?' Suga teases Asahi to help the both of them as well.) The other second years seemed to be in deep discussion about something, with Ennoshita leading. A slight chill ripples across Yuu's body as a breeze flutters by. 

(They have to walk another 15 minutes to reach the front gate and Yuu racks his brain on something to present. Maybe he could talk about what fear does to people? Would that be interesting?)

Yuu unlocks the front door, greeting the crisp and cold air with a heavy sigh and shudder. Again, he was alone. One week, his parents promised, but his paternal grandmother sent them to some other country in South East Asia for another meeting, then they got sent to Kyoto for some formal event and they won't be back for another few weeks. He cheerfully greets the dogs he owns when they come bounding toward him. 'Mochi!' He cheers when the white Hokkaido barks playfully at him. Asahi raises an eyebrow at the name. Rory, the Dalmatian that his parents got him during on of their trips, growls lowly at the unknown visitors. 'Rory, they're friends. You met them three weeks ago, remember?' The Dalmatian sticks close to Yuu even when Shouyou manages to befriend all of the dogs Yuu's family owns.

(Kageyama had the attention of a small Shiba Inu named "Tai Yang", much to his amazement.)

Yamaguchi coos, 'they weren't here last time!' Yuu snorts, 'that's cause you didn't look closely. Rory was in my room, but you were too busy.' Yue Liang, a Shikoku that was given to Yuu as a birthday present by his uncle, attached herself to Yamaguchi. Yuu takes his shoes off, placing them on the shoe rack and muttering "I'm home", while the others chorus "pardon the intrusion" before struggling to get their shoes off. Mochi runs up the stairs and disappears when the team settles on the couch. 'My room or here?' Yuu asks, silently praying that they would pick the second choice. 'Your room's awesome, Noya, but it's a little stuffy with all of us in it,' Tanaka grins, choking when Ennoshita hits him for "being rude". Daichi sighs in exasperation, ushering everyone to get started. Yuu slips away, first up the stairs-Rory right on his tail-and into his room to change, not forgetting to change his bandages as well. The scrape on his knee stings painfully when he pulls the plaster away. Jumping on his good foot, he rushes to apply water on the scrape; he then dries it and places another bandage over it. He then clumsily tears the bandages on his wrists, letting it crumple beneath his feet. He hastily rolls a new layer onto both his wrists and secures it tightly before disposing the dirty ones. He runs out the cold wood floors of his room, and down the even colder marble steps into the dining area. He peers from the dining area, 'Akane-san?' A muffled answer is heard and Yuu grins, running into the kitchen, where a lady is busy serving dinner. 'Young Master Yuu! Welcome home, I apologise for not being able to greet you at the door.' Akane, one of the Nishinoya's oldest workers, voices. Yuu waves it off, 'are you the only one here? Where's Mei and Hisoka?' Akane places the last of the dishes onto the tray before replying, 'Mei is outside, collecting the laundry, you must've missed her. Hisoka went out to buy items we need. I heard some noises from the living area, are there guests?' Yuu nods, helping Akane to carry the tray to the dining area. 'Could you help me. . ? My entire team is here, and they haven't had dinner yet.' Akane smiles warmly, 'of course.'

(At least the maids were around today but they would be gone after dinner, and Akane would probably retire early after making sure that the chores were done. Then, Yuu would be alone again.) 

He leaves, whistling loudly to attract the dogs' attention. 'Dinner!' He calls, laughing when they come dashing into the dining area. The team watches from the outside, astonished at the size of the room. Yuu sets the tray down on the table and takes out various coloured dog bowls, Tanaka runs to take the bag of dog food and pours a grand amount in each bowl. Yuu beats him at finishing to fill the bowls of water, 'beat that!' He childishly calls. ('No fair!' Tanaka whines, 'solids take longer than liquids.') "You guys, take a seat anywhere, you're eating here,' Suga glances at his surroundings, unsure, 'can we?' Shouyou smiles widely, pulling Kageyama into a seat and thanking Yuu. The team slowly take a seat, careful of the dogs, just as Mei enters. 'Young Master Yuu, I must've missed you outside! I apologise, and they are. .  from your club?' Yuu nods, setting the tray aside once he is done placing the bowls and chopsticks. Akane has keen ears, she's prepared enough for all of them. 'If you'll excuse me, Akane-san may need my help,' Mei leaves into the kitchen. Yuu sits down on a chair swinging his legs as he waits. He immerses himself in playing with a razor he'd strapped under the table when he was younger,  _just a little longer, Yuu, you can wait. You're a pro at the waiting game._ He feels for the tip of the metal, lightly tracing the edges and thinking of the project. Perhaps this topic was easy for Yuu. Fear was Yuu's good friend, ever since  _that_  time. The two maids appeared after a while, hands carrying trays of food. The dishes were set, and the two maids took the seats next to Shouyou, the aroma of foods wafted throughout the room, a loud "let's eat!" later, and everyone was digging in. 

(Hisoka returned halfway into the meal, bags on her arms, and she apologises for being late and joins in the meal as well, shocked at how much noise the team could make.)

Dinner ended when Shouyou and Tsukishima get into an argument on how little the taller eats, Daichi sighing, Suga, Kageyama and Yamaguchi grimace, while the others make various expressions of amusement and enthusiasm at the argument. The three maids make quick work at clearing the table before disappearing off to do their respective chores, Yuu lead the team back into the living room, where everyone started their project. 'I'll be back after I take a shower, is that alright?' Narita shoos Yuu like a mother hen and Yuu whistles for Rory to follow him up the stairs. Yuu had a feeling that something would force him out of this numbness that night, he doesn't want that. He makes sure to shut the door after the Dalmatian enters the room, 'boy, c'mere. Listen, if anyone opens the door, bark, 'kay? I don't want anyone in my room uninvited. Thanks, Rory.'

(The argument between Shouyou and Tsukishima stops once Yuu is upstairs. 'Should we go now?' Kinoshita asks, voice trembling, Tanaka nods, eyes determined.)

Yuu peels the restraints off his wrists and steps into the shower, making sure the temperature is hot,  _scalding hot_ _,_ before he steps in. Instantly, the cold he'd been feeling from the day dies off abruptly. The itching intensifies under the pellets of water. 'Soon,' he mutters, looking over to the small knife sitting atop a towel. He took that out of its sheath in the kitchen when Akane wasn't looking. He needs to buy one of his own, he can't keep stealing knives from the kitchen, even if he does sterlise them after use. It feels as if the knife would tell its user what he had done to himself. He lathers his hair in shampoo and his body in body wash, making sure to thoroughly wash everything off. He turns the water off, letting water drip down his hair and glide down his skin.  _Ah, the room is beginning to feel cold again,_ he thinks, drying himself. He puts his underwear and pants on, then his shirt, drying the rest of his hair as quick as he can before it wets his shirt. The dirty clothes and towels drop into the laundry basket, and Yuu takes a look at the jar. He opens it, the smell of fears clogging his nose instantly. The knife is against his skin in a flash. he drags it silently, looking at the droplets of blood form on his skin before sliding to the upperside of his wrist and down into the jar.  _Strike. Strike. Strike. Strike. Strike._ The checklist is half complete. He dips the cloth into the sink, watching as it soaks up water. The blood stops after a while, seeping into the towel. The marred skin that meets him scream out how much fear he'd felt during the week. The other half of the list is complete with the other wrist. The procedure repeats, and Yuu finishes with bandages. 

(The jar is halfway full. Yuu doesn't take a second look at it.)

He stiffens when he hears footsteps in his room.  _Who is it?_ His hand on the doorknob jerks, and he comes face to face with the people dearest to him. 

(It isn't Akane,  _thank God,_ it isn't Mei or Hisoka, neither is it his parents. But he can feel his heart stop beating and the warmth he has left in his body turn into dust. He can hear his breathing stop. His eyes dilate and his body is frozen.)

Rory isn't in his room. But the whole of Karasuno's volleyball club is. And the jars. The jars that tether him to this world were for all to see. The bandages and red and words scrawled in books and scores of anger and never-ending lies are scattered everywhere.  The pain and worry and anxiety that were marked in black screamed at him from their open pages. The scars stood out against the dark wood. Metal pressed against the Persian rug and Yuu feels his world tip unsteadily.

(The room is cold. Yuu is cold. But the looks he was faced with were the coldest.)

No one on the team knew this: not even Asahi or Tanaka. And Nishinoya Yuu has to, once again, face the fears he's kept in those tipping jars.

(Tsukishima knocked lightly on the door, 'Rory, I'm coming in, I've got treats for you.' He opens the door silently, the Dalmatian wagging its tail at the blond. 'Take this and go downstairs, go.' The dog is gone and Tsukishima signals the others in. 'Good work there!' Tanaka sighs, closing the door. 'If Ennoshita isn't wrong, the cabinet is where we'll find them.' Yachi nervously looks at the shower, the sound of rushing water is heard, 'we'll have to be quick. . .' She whispers. Kiyoko nods in agreement. Kageyama's hands knock over a bunch of books while trying to reach behind the frames. 'What- ' the question dies down when the words from the pages sink in, Asahi kneels down to flip through them, all of them revolve around Yuu's "fears". Shakily, Tanaka pushes the picture frames, to find rows upon rows of jars of  _blood_ _._ He takes one out, and another, and another. Suga finds rolls of bandages and a box of razors are emptied onto the rug, glinting evilly under light. Narita finds scores stashed in a folder under the bed, with words of worry scribbled in red and black. Dairies were hidden everywhere as Yamaguchi picks another up from a textbook, all of them had anxieties in black. Yachi scrolls through e-mails from Mr. and Mrs. Nishinoya, and discovers the lies Yuu's told his parents through the e-mails. Kiyoko opens the walk-in to discover rusted cloths with hints of blood. Daichi is struck with shock at the number of torn pictures in a box. Tsukishima's eyes blow wide at the sight of past report cards and hospital reports, red blotches block his view of most of them. Kinoshita's eyes spot used pens in the drawer and a photo of Yuu's parents. Shouyou sees crumpled pieces of artwork at the corners of the room, and red pens in the bin. 'Does no one clean this room?' Tanaka blurts. The confusion and pain on everyone's faces tune the question out.)

'What- who gave you the right- you can't just- ' Yuu feels the crash of hyperventilation before he could finish. 'Nishinoya,' Suga speaks, tone soft, 'come here, please.' Yuu crumples on the floor, tears blur the world and his focus is gone. The fears are back, clawing their way into his body, this is what happens when he allows people to get close to him, isn't it? 'I'm sorry,' he sobs, 'I'm sorry, I'm a disappointment. I'm useless, aren't I?' A bitter laugh follows, pain pierces his heart and Yuu wants to disconnect from the world and delete everything. He flinches when he feels warmth, 'Yuu, no one is disappointed in you, you're not useless. We don't care why you do this; we don't want to know. We don't care about the past. Just _never_ do that again, please. You're not worth this.' Asahi hushes.

(Yuu thinks, it's not as easy as you  _t_ _hink,_ quitting is never easy.)

At the end of the day, Yuu realises that he's been set up. From the moment Ennoshita entered his room, the other boy had instantly noticed something amiss. Ennoshita discusses with everyone else but Ukai and Takeda, as well as Yuu himself, and had used the project as an excuse to check Yuu's room. Yuu wants to curse Chikara. His eyes are too sharp, his senses too keen. 'Quitting isn't as easy,' he says to the silent room. Tsukishima smiles, 'not unless you  _want_ to quit, Noya-san. Do you?' Yuu considers, 'but the fears- ' Shouyou shouts, 'fear helps one grow and push them forward! Noya-san, fear is necessary!' Kageyama nods silently. 

(Yuu's mind is made.)

'I want to quit, I want to, really.' Yuu says, 'then we'll help you.' Suga tells him. 

Yuu doesn't feel cold any more. He feels warmth blossom deep in his heart.

He doesn't feel alone. 

 

\---

 

Depression is a silent murderer. You won't notice it until it consumes you. Depression isn't a phase. It is real. It hurts. Anxiety isn't just an emotion. It can cripple you. Self-harm isn't for people to pity you. It isn't for attention. It hurts, but it allows you to be "in control". Warmth isn't just a sensation. Fear isn't harmless. "Family" doesn't have to be people related to you.  _Quitting isn't as easy as you say it is._  

Even the strongest and most cheerful of people can get targeted. They can turn into shells. 

 

\- Nishinoya Yuu, Karasuno High School, Year 2, Volleyball Club, #4, Libero, "Guardian God of Karasuno".

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took me five hours, my eyes hurt. But I NEEDED to finish this. It is from both personal experience and events I've witnessed. I apologise for ruining Nishinoya's character. I really am. 
> 
> Few notes you should know:
> 
> -Yuu told his parents after a while, and his parents sorta regretted ignoring him. I left this out for certain purposes. If you want me to have a chapter on this, tell me.
> 
> \- "Tai Yang" is 太阳，which means "Sun" in English. She (yes, the dog is a girl, because this dog was inspired by my cousin's dog) is supposed to represent Hinata.
> 
> \- "Yue Liang" is 月亮，which means "Moon" in English. I was hinting at Tsukishima by using her. Oops.(This dogs was inspired by my cousin's dog with the same name of the same breed.)
> 
> \- That poem thing at the start was written by me, please do not use it. PLEASE.
> 
> \- This story was supposed to be a one-shot without an ending, so this chapter is super heavy.
> 
> \- I'm sorry if this affected anyone in any way, it wasn't meant to be that way. But, the note Yuu left at the end is my stance toward what Society thinks about the related matters in this story.
> 
> Flames are welcome, Happy New Year.

**Author's Note:**

> Flames are welcome.


End file.
